Serious question – if you were going in for a major surgery and had your choice of surgeons, who would you choose:

(assuming both have the same education and grades)

Surgeon A: Has done this same procedure successfully many times over the past few years

Surgeon B: Has never done this procedure, but has watched a lot of tutorial videos about it and sat through lots of classes about it.

I’m willing to bet you’d prefer surgeon A to do your procedure.

It seems obvious in this example, but there’s something different about hands-on experience.  

Learning about something through watching it is different than learning about it through actually doing it.

It’s what sets apart elite professionals of every sport and discipline from everyone else – they run through and practice over and over again.

The choice feels so obvious in life and death situations – yet in leadership, conflict, and hard conversations, we typically choose option B.

That’s why you need to seriously consider practicing difficult conversations.  

If you speak to anyone that’s gotten more comfortable with it over time, they all say that comfort and confidence came from not only better tools and scripts, but actually doing it.

Why is practice so important?

This isn’t just leadership self-help speak or motivational theory –  it’s how the brain works.

It helps build neural pathways – similar to any habit.

That means your brain literally makes new connections so:

• Your brain doesn’t spend as much energy to do it
• It gets faster and easier to know what to say or do in the moment
• It takes less energy to do it

That last point is what makes the real difference – taking less energy to do it, so you have more energy to focus on what’s happening in the whole conversation and with the other person.

The other aspect that’s important is that you need to practice what you’re saying out loud.  

It’s not enough to just think about what you’ll say – saying it out loud and hearing the words forces your brain to process it differently.  

That’s why people freeze even when they have a script, not because they don’t know what to say, but because they’ve never practiced saying it.

And if you never practice it?

You’re just quietly eroding trust, credibility, and effectiveness.  

• Conversations get delayed until they explode.
• Leaders become inconsistent—direct one day, avoidant the next.
• Teams stop bringing problems early.
• You become reactive instead of intentional.

Look, I haven’t met many people that love role play, but it’s one of the best/only ways to practice difficult conversations.  

But it’s not just generic practice, it’s about doing purposeful/intentional practice.  

Because most people practice too vaguely, too long, or too politely.

So how do you make your practice work better for you?

Level 1: Basic practice

At this level, grab someone you trust and practice what you want to say. 

Go for only 2 minutes at a time and your partner shouldn’t say anything.

Make sure you clarify exactly what you want to refine during each practice burst.  

Then afterwards, get some feedback from your partner and reflect on how it sounded to you.  Then practice a few more times while making adjustments.

Level 2: Practice with light resistance

At this level, follow the same structure as above, but this time, direct your partner to some pushback or issues you think you’ll face and have them lightly use them to push back.  

Be clear with them that it’s not a chance to practice their acting skills, they’re just presenting some pushback and you’re practicing how you want to respond in the moment.

Level 3: Practice Lab

If you feel comfortable with everything else, give your partner the freedom to go full push back mode, with one caveat:

It still shouldn’t be random – it should be intentional with a focus on what you think you’ll experience.  

At this level, you want to treat it as a lab, where you can fully try out different strategies, new scripts, or ways to manage your own emotions.

One thing to note is these don’t have to be sequential, you can use whichever level you’re most comfortable with.  

Another handy tip that’s worked with lots of my clients: before you start, give yourself 1 minute where you can truly just vent and say whatever you want.

Yell, swear, whatever you want.  

Here’s the thing I see over and over again, most people are much too nice to say these things, but without that release, the pressure just keeps building up inside them.

I hope you find a way to practice and get better at the difficult conversations in your life.

Let me know, how do you typically practice for upcoming hard conversations?