When I used to do martial arts, there was one skill that was more important than:
- How fast we could kick
- How hard we could punch
- How many techniques we could memorize
It’s the ability to control ourselves.
And in tough conversations, it often comes down to how well we can manage our emotions so we can stay calm.
I don’t mean just the negative emotions (like anger or sadness).
I mean the positive ones too. Because you don’t want to put yourself in the position where you think the conversation is going so well that you overlook things the other person is saying or doing that might indicate they’re not being truthful.
So one of the big keys is making sure you stay balanced and focused.
But how?
I have 7 strategies that I use and have taught to many others (both in therapy and coaching). And countless others have used it in a variety of settings. I’ve divided them into 3 categories – physical skills, mental skills, and emotional skills. You don’t have to choose just one, feel free to combine tactics to find out what works best for you.
The key word here is balance!
Physical ways to manage emotions
Grounding – Techniques to help you feel more present and centered. Physical grounding focuses on bodily sensations and could look like:
- Purposely feeling the ground (pushing your foot into the floor, etc.)
- Move body parts (make sure they can’t see you do this, but it could be tapping your fingers, wiggling your toes, or pressing palms together and relaxing)
- Focus on an object (hold a small rock in your hand and squeeze it or fiddle with a necklace or wedding ring)
Mental ways to manage emotions
Self-reflection on triggers – Do some reflection on what things would trigger you in hard conversations.
Taking a break – Sometimes, it’s ok to just ask to take a break and say you want to make sure you give the topic your full attention.
Reframe – Before you go into the conversation, reframe the situation (see last week’s newsletter) altogether to have a more positive POV and thus, feel more hopeful about it.
Grounding – Same purpose as the physical techniques, but focus and paying attention to your thoughts. This could look like:
- Notice your surroundings
- Take slow, deep breaths and focus on the breathing
- Repeat a thought/mantra (i.e., “everything is safe”, etc).
Emotionally-focused tactics
Mindfulness – the skill of being aware of your present thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. It’s often practiced in combination with meditation. The key here is to observe without any judgement. For example, if you notice yourself getting angry, just notice where in your body you are feeling it and how your mind is interpreting it and accept that you are angry and it’s not good or bad, it just is.
Additional Coping Skills – This could look like anything, but find things that will help you cool down your emotions (good or bad) so you can stay rational. This could be things like:
- Deep breaths
- Journaling/writing things down
- Progressive muscle relaxation
- Body scans
As I’m sure you can see, not all of these things fit neatly into one category or another. They’re not supposed to.
Our minds, emotions, and bodies are always interconnected and both influencing one another and being influenced by each other – so we don’t always need to keep things separated.
I’ve had clients hold onto rocks in hard conversations and squeeze them as they get more anxious.
I personally start playing with my wedding right and spinning it when I’m trying to keep myself cool.
Emotions and our reactions aren’t the enemy, but the better we can control them, the better chance we have to stay in control in hard conversations.
What’s your go-to skill to manage emotions?
PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:
- Free Strategy Assessment >> If you’re a nonprofit leader, take a free, 5-minute quiz to uncover hidden gaps in your nonprofit strategy.
- 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
- Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, Available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube
