Once upon a time, I was training a new facilitator. It was her first time and she was nervous with public speaking.
But we were co-facilitating so I was able to support her when needed.
I still remember the look of fear in her eyes when she would forget what to say and would look back at me with wide eyes pleading for help.
We were able to get through it and she learned a lot, so I thought things went as well as could have.
Until a week later.
My manager told me she got feedback from the group we were training that they thought I was misogynistic because:
– I wouldn’t let the co-facilitator speak
– They saw fear in the co-facilitator’s eyes when she was looking at me.
The problem was that there was now nothing I could do to change anyone’s perceptions or fix their perception. And I completely lost credibility with that team.
This is the epitome of how to take feedback – especially when it isn’t true.
I can still vividly remember my blood boiling and the anger in my neck as I was thinking how untrue and UNFAIR it was. What made it even worse?
There was no clear path to following up.
Luckily, my manager knew me and the situation and so she trusted I was acting with good intention there.
Here’s 5 things I learned and what I would have done differently:
1. As a leader, impact is more important than intention.
The biggest thing I learned – when you’re in a leadership position, it’s your job to be aware as much as possible as how your behaviors could be received by others.
It’s dependent on you to take the time to intentionally choose your words so you can have the impact you want to have. That means being aware of the feelings and values of the people you’re talking to.
For as much as there’s a pushback against “woke” culture, it’s not about being politically correct.
It’s about making sure your words and behaviors don’t distract from your goals and making sure your audience feels included in the conversation.
What I would do differently now: I would have been much more aware of how nervous my co-facilitator was and instead of jumping in, I would have asked her a question so that could facilitate the ensuing dialogue. I know that’s specific to facilitating workshops, but here’s the point – finding ways to not take over, even when that’s what seemingly is being asked.
2. You only get one chance to make a first impression.
This is something I had always heard and knew, but I didn’t give it as much weight because it was an internal audience.
I took that fact that we were under the same organization for granted and I learned that even across departments that my reputation could take a hit.
What I would do differently now: I’ve learned to treat everyone outside my own team as a customer, someone I’m trying to help and support in the best way possible.
3. Even if unfair, there may still be a nugget of truth in the feedback.
Even though my manager agreed with me, she was invaluable in helping me talk through and debrief what behaviors could have been misconstrued.
That approach of debriefing really helped me learn how to take feedback in the future, even when it may not be completely true.
4. Follow up with an open mind.
This is something I wish I would have done, but if I went back in time, I would have went back to that group (it was all the same team) and thanked them for feedback and solicited their thoughts on how to improve.
I wouldn’t try to convince them they were wrong (unless it was a serious issue), but I would engage them in the conversation so they felt heard and I could repair the relationship.
That was helpful years later in a senior leadership position when I again received unfair/untrue feedback. After venting to my wife, I went back to that director and asked for her input. It led to a great discussion and solutions to her perceived issues, which we took into account and made changes.
Months later she came back with glowing feedback around the same issue, and she felt heard and the relationship was solid. Win-win.
5. Develop a network who is willing to give you honest feedback.
This is something I wish I would have started earlier.
Find 5 people who I trust, sees my work, and can give me honest feedback.
And because I trust them, even if I don’t agree with the feedback, I know they have my best interest at heart.
If I had them at the time, I could have gone to them for a sanity check on whether I was right or if they were accurate.
It’s not easy and I still don’t like getting unfair and untrue feedback, but how we handle and respond to it can speak volumes to our maturity and can improve relationships.
Thanks for reading,
Chris
PS –
- Have you heard our newest podcast drop? I go through how to ask good, powerful questions. You can catch it here or anywhere you get podcasts
- Can I get your help? I’m relaunching my difficult conversations course in a few weeks and I’d love to get your opinions if you’re willing? Go here to help me out!
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