You know what’s even harder than keeping your cool?
Keeping your cool and listening hard to figure out what’s really underneath the surface.
I remember when, during the first family therapy session with a particularly aggressive family, the son started yelling, and throwing stuff – even breaking a phone. I can remember the redness in his face because he got right in front of my at one point.
Afterwards, multiple co-workers told me they heard the yelling and wanted to step in and help, but luckily my supervisor, knowing that I was fine, had held them off.
And I was fine, because I knew deep down it was fear and anxiety that was driving his response.
It was clear to me as soon as he finished yelling and sat down and started crying.
Look, you can go to all the communication trainings in the world to help you get your point across better, but until you learn to listen really well, all you’re doing is learning how to talk. And that only goes so far.
So below is a quick guide to help you figure out more accurately, when someone is screaming or crying or going on tangents – what are you listening for when they’re doing all this?
Emotions
- Listen for the strong base emotions – fear, anxiety, anger
- These drive almost all our behavior. The better you can recognize these, the more you can start trying to figure out what they’re exactly afraid of, or anxious about.
POV
- How do they see the world? Do they see it in black and white?
Values
- Who or what is important to them?
- What principles/beliefs guide their decision making?
Interests/motivations
- What motivates them?
- What are they trying to avoid?
Aspirations
- Where are they trying to get to? Professionally and/or personally?
Opportunities to strengthen the relationship
- Where are opportunities where you can help the other person? To help meet their needs.
It’s not about going through a checklist in your head, it’s about learning to understand what’s going on beneath the surface.
It’s about learning to understand who the other person truly is, even if they say or do things that anger or frustrate us.
This is what makes empathy hard, it’s because it forces us to put aside our own desires and to start trying to understand others.
Next time you’re in a heated conversation, pause and ask yourself: What’s really underneath their words? Listen, not just for what they’re saying, but for what they’re truly feeling.
But, the more you can understand them, the better you can respond to their needs, and the less you’ll be rattled in hard conversations.
Cheers,
Chris
PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:
- Difficult Conversations Course >> If you struggle with difficult conversations, take this course where I help you handle the toughest conversations with confidence, balance empathy and assertiveness, and respond to the most difficult behaviors.
- 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
- Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube
