A few months ago, I wrote a newsletter about how to respond to people who you think/know are lying. (You can read that issue here)

Recently, someone asked me how to figure out if someone is lying.  

And that’s a complicated question – because people are actually better liars than you realize.  How many times have you said you’re on your way to meet with someone, when you haven’t even left yet?  The other person probably believed you, because you were convincing and it was an automatic reflex – most people in that situation just automatically tell a quick lie.

The other difficulty is that people often may lie for a multitude of reasons, sometimes due to external stressors that aren’t related to your conversation.  

For instance, they may be dealing with a parent needing hospice care, but because they don’t want to share their personal life, it may look like they’re lying about their declining performance.

So how can you tell if someone is lying?

There’s lots of books about complicated body/nonverbal investigation (I actually really like this one if you’re interested in a cool book about it).

But those kinds of things are too complicated for everyday life.  And I’m going to guess that like me, you don’t have the time to practice interrogations on a daily basis.  

So I’m going to give you a simplified 2-step way to figure out if something’s wrong.

1. Figure out what normal behavior looks like for them
2. Take note when they start behaving in a different way

That’s it.  Just observe when their behavior starts looking different than how they’ve been presenting.

Do they usually sit back relaxed but now they’re sitting up straight with arms crossed?

Do they usually look you straight in the eyes, but now they’re looking all around?

Do they usually not look you in the eyes, but now they’re staring you down?

This is the biggest key that you need to be aware of.  Just be aware of their nonverbals and take note if they change, especially if it changes after you give them constructive feedback or talk about something you’re thinking they disagree with.

What do you do if you notice it?  

You don’t have to accuse them of lying.  You just have to bring up your observation:

“I’m noticing this is making you feel some sort of way, what’s going on for you?”

From there, you can let them fill in the blanks.  Just stay curious and be open.  If you know they’re lying, you can always use the techniques I brought up in that previous article.

The best approach is always empathy and curiosity – you’ll get a lot further that way.

Cheers,

Chris

Linkedin | Instagram

PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:

1. Difficult Conversations Course >>  If you struggle with difficult conversations, take this course where I help you handle the toughest conversations with confidence, balance empathy and assertiveness, and respond to the most difficult behaviors.
2. 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
3. Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube