We’ve all been there 

We’re already stressed because we’re trying to have a difficult conversation 

But we don’t feel like the other person is being entirely truthful with us. 

Someone denies taking credit for your work, or they lie about why they can’t hang out with you. 

Or they’re outright denying that they ever did anything wrong. 

And in both personal and professional relationships, being lied to can make you feel: 

• Insecure
• Betrayed
• Confused
• Disgusted
• Frustrated

It’s even worse if you’re not sure how to call them out without explicitly calling them out. 

In therapy, calling someone out for lying rarely has the intended effect 

Difficult conversations are usually the same

The other person gets more defensive, angry, or makes them even shut down. 

So how can we call someone out for lying in a nonthreatening way that still calls out that behavior? 

I’ve got 2 things you can do before the conversation and 4 ways you can diplomatically say “I think you’re lying to me.”

Things to do before the conversation

1. Especially if it’s a work situation – get hard data and write it down. This isn’t the time to guess at when something is or isn’t happening. Get specific and concrete and bring it with you.
2. At the beginning of the conversation, set a ground rule that you’ll both be upfront and honest with each other. This won’t automatically make them be 100% honest, but it helps set the stage

Ways to say “I think/know you’re lying”

1. First, bring up the ground rules and talk about the data you brought in. “I appreciate you sharing that, here’s the issue, I have some information here that doesn’t agree with your version of events. Can I share with you what I have?”
2. “Usually, the things you say to me make sense, and that’s why I’m puzzled now. What you’re saying right now doesn’t make sense to me, and this is so different.”
3. “I have to assume that you have a good reason for not leveling with me. I don’t think you would do this intentionally so I’m very interested in understanding what’s getting in the way of our honest communication right now.”
4. “I have a favor to ask of you. If there’s something you would rather not talk about, please tell me so, and I’ll respect that and back off. Because I truly don’t want to put you in a position where you’d have to be less than honest with me.”

I STRONGLY urge you to put these in your own personality and style, but the main idea is there.

It’s not about yelling or getting them to admit something, it’s about:

• Talking about it neutrally
• Maintaining a position of curiosity
• Conveying that you’re assuming good intent

There’s no magical bullet that will work 100% of the time, but from the times I’ve used variations of these phrases, I’ve been able to maintain positive working relationships.

Positive relationships that have only gotten deeper and more fruitful over time, and more honest at the same time.

If you’re going to use these, let me know! I’d love to hear how it goes.

Cheers,

Chris

PS – Thoughts on this week’s newsletter? Did I miss the mark? Reply and let me know, I’d love to chat further!