In the past few months, I’ve had multiple clients struggle with relationships at work that all come down to one thing.

Assumptions.

I’ve been coming across this theme more and more.  People getting frustrated, confused, angry, and feeling stuck because of why they think someone is behaving a certain way. The biggest barrier to improving work relationships often isn’t the other person—it’s the assumptions we never question.

One client was angry at a peer who kept assigning tasks from executives, forcing him to put his own work aside – only for her to not follow up on those tasks.

One client was frustrated by an executive’s lack of decision making in the face of large projects and her constant push for more information.

One client was feeling frustrated by her co-Executive Director for not including her on decisions and seemingly excluding her on purpose.

All these clients assumed the reason for this was due to either purposeful harmful intent, or an inconsiderate personality.

But when we dug a little deeper, all my clients discovered something:

They actually didn’t know why the other person was doing this. 

And with a little bit of exploration and brainstorming, they realized:

• Maybe this peer just has difficulty saying no or setting boundaries?
• Maybe this executive hesitates in making decisions because she’s worried about making the wrong one
• Maybe this co-Executive Director saw this client was feeling overwhelmed, so they were trying to be helpful in taking stuff off her plate.

And the truth is I don’t know why, nor do they.  The bigger insight is that in difficult relationships, we often assume why someone is behaving a certain way based on our own personality and cultural perspectives.  That assumption is what brings up a lot of bad feelings and stresses relationships out, whether it’s personal or professional.

So my big tip to you is this: next time you’re struggling with a relationship and stressed out about why someone is behaving a certain way, ask yourself these any or all of these questions:

• What is objectively true and what is my perception?
• Am I willing to have my mind changed?*
• What evidence do I have for why I think this person is behaving this way?
• What possible legitimate reasons could I have to behave this way if I were in the same situation?
• What would it mean for me if there were a legitimate and understandable reason for their behavior?
• What could I ask or do to understand more about the other person?

The starred/bolded question in my mind is the most important question that should come before all others.  If you’re not willing to explore other possibilities, then you’ll stay stuck.

And if you do, nothing will change.  

“If you do tomorrow what you did today, then you’ll get tomorrow what you got today”.

– Benjamin Franklin

For these clients, the biggest relief for them came from the idea that they should just have conversations with the other person to better understand them.

For all 3 of them, the work and conversations weren’t always easy, but their relationships are now in better places because of it.

What assumptions do you typically believe about other people?  Let me know by replying to this email!

Cheers,

Chris

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PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:

1. Difficult Conversations Course >>  If you struggle with difficult conversations, take this course where I help you handle the toughest conversations with confidence, balance empathy and assertiveness, and respond to the most difficult behaviors.
2. 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
3. Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube