If you’re like me, you really value being honest and transparent.
And in hard conversations, when you don’t feel like the other person is being entirely truthful, it can be really frustrating. Maybe they’re denying taking credit for your work, or they’re lying about why they can’t hang out with you, or they’re outright denying that they ever did anything wrong.
Leaving you to feel:
- Insecure
- Betrayed
- Confused
- Disgusted
- Frustrated
It can cause you to doubt yourself or you start questioning whether you were just imagining things. And if the relationship is already tense, addressing it head on rarely has the intended effect.
The other person gets more defensive, angry, they shut down.
So – how can you call someone out for lying in a nonthreatening way that still calls out that behavior?
I’ve got 2 things you can do before the conversation and 4 ways you can diplomatically say “I think you’re lying to me.”
Things to do before the conversation
- Especially if it’s a work situation – get hard data and write it down. This isn’t the time to guess at when something is or isn’t happening. Get specific and concrete and bring it with you.
- At the beginning of the conversation, set a ground rule that you’ll both be upfront and honest with each other. This won’t automatically make them be 100% honest, but it helps set the stage as a call back later on.
4 Ways to say “I think/know you’re lying”
- “I appreciate you sharing that, here’s the issue, I have some information here that doesn’t agree with your version of events. Can I share with you what I have?”
- “Usually, the things you say to me make sense, and that’s why I’m puzzled now. What you’re saying right now doesn’t make sense to me, and this is so different.”
- “I have to assume that you have a good reason for not leveling with me. I don’t think you would do this intentionally so I’m very interested in understanding what’s getting in the way of our honest communication right now.”
- “I have a favor to ask of you. If there’s something you would rather not talk about, please tell me so, and I’ll respect that and back off. Because I truly don’t want to put you in a position where you’d have to be less than honest with me.”
I STRONGLY urge you to put these in your own personality and style, but the main idea is there.
It’s not about yelling or getting them to admit something, it’s about:
There’s no magical bullet that will work 100% of the time, but from the times I’ve used variations of these phrases, I’ve been able to maintain positive working relationships.
🎇 Talking about it neutrally
🎇 Maintaining a position of curiosity
🎇 Conveying that you’re assuming good intent
Positive relationships that have only gotten deeper and more fruitful over time, and more honest at the same time.
If you’re going to use these, let me know! I’d love to hear how it goes.
Cheers,
Chris
PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:
- Free Strategy Assessment >> If you’re a nonprofit leader, take a free, 5-minute quiz to evaluate your nonprofit’s strategy implementation plan
- 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
- Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, Available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube
