Imagine this scenario – you’re trying to get another person to buy into your idea.

Or you’re a manager trying to get your employee to do their job. Or you have the idea to go camping with your partner, so you bring it up, knowing they usually hate the idea of being in nature. And they hit you with the dreaded word:

“No”

Or as my daughter used to say when she was 4 years-old, “I can’t want to!” 😱

It’s such a simple phrase, but it’s so powerful that it throws even the most confident person off their game. Because deep down, if we’re invested in an idea, it truly hurts to hear someone push back against us.

And many of us hate it so much, we do everything we can to hear “yes”. We:

• Yell
• Scream
• Accept that “yes” at face value
• Compromise too much of our boundaries

Here’s the problem with “yes” – it won’t guarantee you get what you want. How often do you experience what feels like a good conversation with a good outcome, but the other person doesn’t follow through or honor their commitments?

That’s why you should be aware of “yes” – because it could be a false yes.

For a long time now, I’ve gotten comfortable with the idea of “no”, mainly because:

• It’s a truly honest response.
• If the other person is setting a boundary, it’s incredibly empowering
• It gives you huge clues into what’s truly important for the other person.

The sooner you get comfortable with “no” and get the other person to say no, the sooner you can push the other person into thinking rationally and logically.

Because once they say “no”, then they have to come up with a reason for it, which forces them out of an emotional state and into a logical state.

The key for you is to ask good questions that allow you to explore in a nonjudgmental way. (I want to be super clear: without using the word “why”)

You’re not trying to solve the problem quite yet; your only focus is to find what’s going on beneath the surface.

So here are 10 things you can say when someone says “no” to you in a hard conversation:

1. “Tell me more about what makes you say that.”
2. “Help me understand your position.”
3. “This doesn’t feel right for you.”
4. “What is the concern here?”
5. “I’m noticing a change in [some body language], what’s going on for you?”
6. “What would you be more comfortable with?”
7. “Is there something specific about what I said that you disagree with?”
8. “Would you be open to talking more about this at a later time?”
9. “Which part of my idea do you disagree with the most?”
10. “I understand your point of view, and it looks like we’ve reached a block at this point. Would you be willing to agree to disagree for the time being and come back to work around it and reach a solution that works for both of us?”

Now, I haven’t used all of these (the ones that are bolded are the ones I’ve used and found a lot of success with) personally, but I’ve heard all of these used by others who are much more talented than myself and I’m always impressed by folks who are good at this.

Regardless of the phrasing, this is the most important idea:

Hearing “no” is not the end of the world, it’s just the beginning of the real conversation and all you have to do is get curious.

The more comfortable you get with this idea, the less you’ll be thrown off and the more you can maintain a mindset of being curious and collaborative, as opposed to being defensive.

Good luck!

Cheers,

Chris

PS –

1. If you’re looking for tips on getting better at difficult conversations and you’re interested in hearing how some of them can go, I have a podcast >>>>>> Check it out at this link or wherever you get your podcasts.
2. If you’re looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees >>>>> Check out this link to a free 1-hour course  on effective performance coaching.

If you are a nonprofit leader stuck in being able to move things ahead in your organization due to people challenges, check out this white paper I just published on overcoming barriers to strategic plan implementation >>>>> it’s free for you to download here.