I’ve been working with a guy that’s been having lots of stress with his wife.
They’ve got two young kids, full time jobs, and a new house. If you have a family or if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you can see where this may be going – doing fair share of household work.
And contrary to stereotypes, he actually does a majority of the work because his wife has a medical issue that makes her tired much of the time.
And so he keeps doing most of the household chores, but that’s not sustainable in the long term.
But he hadn’t brought it up because he was anxious and worried.
Worried about his wife:
Getting angry at him
Being seen as nagging
Feeling that he was unsupportive of her medical issues
All valid concerns, but the biggest block for him?
Assuming that she didn’t want to talk about it.
This is one of the biggest causes of conflict – our assumptions about the situation and the other person.
Sometimes based on experience, but more often than not, based on the lens which we view the world.
The assumptions we bring into hard conversations are in large part due to the stories we tell ourselves.
Like a news ticker, it constantly runs in our minds all day every day and filters how we interpret the world around us.
So how do we start fixing this?
Start by accepting that your perception is only your perception.
They say there are three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth.
Do some self-reflection with these questions:
What are the facts?
How do I know this to be true?
Is there any potential evidence, no matter how small, that proves the opposite of what I think?
What are potential other reasons for the other persons’ behavior?
If a neutral person was watching this, what would they say?
What parts have I exaggerated?
In the end, this is why open dialogue with curiosity and open-ended questions is powerful.
It provides the opportunity to explore and figure out what’s true and what is just in our heads.
As for the guy I’m working with?
He ended up having a conversation with his wife and found that she was more than willing to help out more, she just needed more clarity on what was a priority.
Then together they were able to figure out a rhythm that worked better for both of them.
The power of hard conversations – it can make all the difference!
Cheers,
Chris
PS –
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