It’s no surprise, since I don’t hide this.

Early in my career, when I wanted to push back against senior leaders I wasn’t diplomatic. I think it was me trying to have a bold voice and thinking that that’s how I was assertive by saying, “no, your idea is not good”, and “my idea is better.”

I like to think I’m a good learner, but it took me a while to realize it was just wasn’t effective.

Luckily, when I moved into a L&D role, I had a manager who was incredible at playing politics. She was great at being diplomatic, great at pushing back in a polite way and just knew how to play the game to get her needs met.

(In full disclosure, I actually think she was too diplomatic and didn’t push back more when she needed to, creating more work for us)

But I was able to take some of those lessons and make it into my own style.

Today, I share “collaborative problem solving” – an incredibly effective way to push back against senior leaders that has been really effective in getting my needs met when I’m trying to work with somebody else.

Side note, there’s actually also works in negotiation scenarios. One time I had to renegotiate a parking lot rental fee increase with an apartment complex for a church and it was difficult because they didn’t want to pass on the additional cost to their residents, which is understandable. We were able to figure out a way to structure this increase without putting a burden onto their tenants, but also in a way that met our needs as well (I’ll share more later)

So let’s dive in. 

 
The Right Mindset

Before we begin, I want to just really emphasize how important it is to have the right mindset going into this. I always talk about having good preparation. So, you have to know:

• What it is you want and why it needs to be that way?
• What is the other person’s position?
• What is the other person’s motivation?
• How emotionally invested are they in their approach?

Also, you have to let go of the idea that your way is the only right way.

Part of these conversations means co-creating a solution with the other person. The more they’re invested and involved in the problem with you, the more that you can figure out a new solution, especially a solution you never considered before.

Step 1: Explore the other person’s priority.

Don’t just take what they say at face value. Try to really dig deep through questions and reflections and understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

Because deep down, some common real reasons people are dug into their idea:

• Their credibility or reputation is on the line
• They’re concerned about causing additional harm to somebody else
• They think you’re making a value judgment about their worth or their intelligence

Note that these three sample things (not a complete list) don’t have anything to do with a position. They’re saying it has nothing to do with they want a rent a certain way, or they want a contract price to be a certain way, or they want an idea to be rolled out exactly the way they’re saying.

It’s really more about them internally.

Once you’re able to identify what this is, you just have to explicitly state it:

“It sounds like your priority is _________.”

That’s where you’re it’s ok to do a Yes/No question. You’re making sure that you’re on the right track.

Step Two: Tell them your priority

You should have prepared this ahead of time.

What is your main priority?

For example: “My priority is we want to make sure that there’s enough funding so that we can continue some of our work.”

It doesn’t matter what it is. You just need to be really clear about what that is in one to two sentences.

Step three: Invite them to co-create a solution

“What is something we could do that both meets your needs and my needs?”

If any idea is brought up. I encourage you to verbally check whether something is able to be meet both needs or only meets one need. That’s where you can really gain a lot of credibility.

So, if they say something that only benefits you and not them, you say:

“Hey, I appreciate that. But that’s going to only meet my need and not your need. So, I don’t know if that’ll work great. What other ideas could we try?”

That’s trust building goes in and they see that you have their interest at heart.

If you really want to share your idea, I encourage you to wait till they share at least one or 2 ideas and you could ask: “Can I share an idea?”

Get permission first. Then you could talk through with them what the validity of that idea. This is why I said you need to be not committed to a specific approach unless there’s a very good reason for it.

Otherwise, being willing to let go of your own assumptions can show can go a long way to showing that you’re reasonable and that they’re they should also be reasonable with you.

Once you agree on an idea, then you’re golden. But it might take time.

In fact, it definitely will take time.

And I will tell you that for the negotiation conversation, it took 2 different meetings, but we were able to hash something out where he just asked for a longer contract with a price wouldn’t raise for a guaranteed number of years, something we could easily accommodate.

I know what you’re thinking.

Some of you are thinking:

“Chris, this won’t work because the other person doesn’t want to have this conversation or they will never listen to what I say.”

That’s true. Some people are just hard headed. Some people are stuck in their ways.

Remember to think of this and everything else I ever talk about in this newsletter, as a marathon. So even if you don’t solve it in that 1^st conversation or the 2^nd conversation, it’s about building that relationship and they’re going to soften over time.

Cheers,

Chris

1. If you’re looking for tips on getting better at difficult conversations and you’re interested in hearing how some of them can go, I have a podcast >>>>>> Check it out at this link or wherever you get your podcasts.
2. If you’re looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees >>>>> Check out this link to a free 1-hour course I have on effective performance coaching.
3. If you are a nonprofit leader stuck in being able to move things ahead in your organization due to people challenges, check out this white paper I just published on overcoming barriers and strategic plan implementation >>>>> it’s free for you to download here.
4. If you are interested in working with me, I only have availability for three clients at a time – reply back to this email!

1. If you’re looking for tips on getting better at difficult conversations and you’re interested in hearing how some of them can go, I have a podcast >>>>>> Check it out at this link or wherever you get your podcasts.
2. If you’re looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees >>>>> Check out this link to a free 1-hour course I have on effective performance coaching.
3. If you are a nonprofit leader stuck in being able to move things ahead in your organization due to people challenges, check out this white paper I just published on overcoming barriers and strategic plan implementation >>>>> it’s free for you to download here.
4. If you are interested in working with me, I only have availability for three clients at a time – reply back to this email!