Last week, I talked about the anxiety and fear that’s normal when getting ready for a difficult conversation.
“What if they start crying?”
“What if they get angry at me?”
“What if I say the ‘wrong’ thing?”
“What if I forget what I need to say?”
“What if it becomes a full-on conflict?”
Or maybe just the mere thought of conversation is overwhelming for you.
Luckily, two of the strategies I gave you talked about the importance of preparation.
It wasn’t a mistake – the more you prepare, the more confidence you can feel knowing that you have a plan. It’s true that preparation is only part of it. You ALSO need to be ready to adapt and improvise.
The good news? The more you prepare, it can also give you security in improvising if need be. But only if you prepare the right way.
If I prepared for my martial arts tournament by spending all my time shooting free throws, it would have been a bad day for me.
So what does good preparation look like? I’ll take you through the 4 steps and we’ll use the example of talking to a peer who’s always late with their work and needing them to be on time.
Get clear on your goals
Do you want to persuade, vent, or give feedback?
What is the outcome you want from this conversation?
How will you know what resolution looks like?
Be realistic and concrete.
That means recognizing that you can only achieve one of your goals at a time. And persuading someone to change isn’t easy and takes quite a bit of time. So write down your goal and keep it with you.
Example: Your goal here may be some variation of “I need this person to get me the required documents by a specific deadline.”
Get clear on what is flexible and what’s not
Even if you’ve identified the outcome you most want, it’s important to also ask yourself:
How flexible are you willing to be?
What’s the minimum you’re willing to accept? (either in behavior, effort, tangible compromise, etc).
It’s not enough to understand your goal, you need to know how rigid the outcome needs to be. Does it have to be done perfectly your way? Or is the goal more important than how you got there? This doesn’t need to be stated right away, it can be brought up as you start problem solving with them.
Example: Is the deadline set in stone or is there some wiggle room? Does everything need to be delivered at once or can it be delivered piece by piece? Do they need some sort of check-in mechanism as a reminder?
Get clear on your boundaries
What non-negotiable values are important to you?
Get clear on your own emotional and physical boundaries. Your feelings are important too. Don’t let other people dictate what’s comfortable to you or make you compromise values that are important to you. Use them to set the ground rules for the conversation.
Example: If respectful and calm language is a non-negotiable for you, then think about how you’ll set that boundary that if the other person starts yelling/screaming, you’ll take a break until they calm down.
Get clear on the logistics
What examples do you have that could be helpful here?
When’s a good time that you won’t be rushed?
Where can you talk where there’s privacy?
Who else needs to be there? (if you know for sure it’ll be high tension)
Plan for a time and plan where you won’t be rushed, but where you’ll have time to really talk it through. If you need to bring data/receipts to back up your claims, you better make sure you have them. The more concrete you can be, the harder it’ll be for them to hand wave your concerns or minimize them.
Example: You set up a zoom meeting and you have specific examples from the last 3 deadlines that were missed because you were missing information from them.
This might seem like a lot, but here’s some perspective:
A college athlete spends close to 30 hours/week practicing for what amounts to 3 hours worth of games a week.
A professional orchestra musician spends an average of 40-50 hours/week for about 6 hours of playing in concerts.
An acquaintance of mine spent close to 40 hours preparing for a 3 minute conversation a few months ago.
If it’s important, I really encourage you to spend the time practicing. It sets the foundation for you to feeling comfortable and confident in the conversation.
Lucky for you, I also did a webinar on how to prepare for these conversations. It’s only 30 minutes and you can watch it here.
You can also download a worksheet for this from my website here.
Both are free and hopefully they help you out!
Cheers,
Chris
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PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:
Free Strategy Assessment >> If you’re a nonprofit leader, take a free, 5-minute quiz to evaluate your nonprofit’s strategy implementation plan
1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, Available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube
