Dealing with an angry person isn’t easy. 

You’re probably not a huge fan of getting yelled at (who is?).  Most people, when someone is yelling at them, respond in the same few ways:

• Feel like crying or running away
• Shut down and freeze up
• Start yelling back

For better or worse, I’ve had to deal with a lot of angry people in my life:

• my mom
• Retail customers
• angry teenagers who have been through a lifetime of trauma and their parents
• people who’ve been to jail because of things they’ve done in their anger
• angry employees (which you think might be easier, but surprisingly, they’re just as hard).  

I’ve had my share of people yelling at me that it doesn’t fully phase me anymore (I guess that’s a good thing?”

Here are some things that have worked for me to de-escalate anger (in order of least direct to more direct):

Use silence

I know it feels weird because sometimes their anger involves demanding you answer their question of some sort.  But often, silence can help cool down the temperature of the conversation.

Reflect back and/or summarize what they’re saying

“You’ve been through a lot and I know it’s frustrating and angering for you to be here (or in this situation)”

It’s often helpful to just repeat back what they’re saying, especially if they’re venting.  You can show you’re listening and that you understand, which can help reduce that anger.  It doesn’t mean you agree, it just means you understand their worldview.

Complex reflections

“You feel your character is being questioned”

This is similar to reflection, but takes an extra leap to point out what you think is the root cause of that anger.  This one takes a bit of practice to get better at, but works incredibly well if you get it right.  Don’t stress if you don’t feel comfortable with this yet.  Practice with friends or family in calm situations to see if you can identify the root causes of what they’re upset or venting about.

Direct boundary setting

“I don’t think yelling is helpful here and as a reminder, we agreed at the beginning that we would keep the conversation calm.

This is very direct, and can work, but I’ll admit it works best if you truly did have an agreement at the beginning around ground rules.  Even if you didn’t, you can still bring it up now, but you’ll have to slow the conversation down to talk about boundaries.

Take a break

If all the other approaches don’t work, just take a break.  It’s not fancy, but it works to just suggest taking a break so that both of you can cool down and come back shortly to resume.  The key here?  

Your language needs to be clear that it’s BOTH of you that need a break (which is true).   But if you frame it as they need to cool down, they’ll just keep getting more defensive.

There’s another technique that I like to use, but it’s not easy to write down.  It involves a mix of a few of these techniques and summaries.  If you’re interested, reply back to this and I’ll send you a quick video describing how to use it.

Just remember, it all comes down to the fight, flight, freeze response.  So if someone’s responding with anger, they’re just feeling threatened. 

That means the name of the game is focusing on helping them emotionally regulate.  And yourself.  

The better you can do this, the easier you’ll find the whole conversation.

Cheers,

Chris

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PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:

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