For a lot of people, the time before a hard conversation is the hardest time.
You get yourself worked up and really anxious about a lot of things coming up and you know what I’ve noticed is you’re making. You know what makes it harder?
Assuming a lot of things before you even get into the conversation.
You get nervous about what they’re going to say, or you assume it’s going to be bad news.
We get really torn into knots about it and I’m the same way.
Whenever somebody says, “Chris we need to talk” I immediately think I’m getting fired, even if it’s somebody that doesn’t even oversee me. The reality is, the more we get fixated on our assumptions of the conversation, the harder it is for us to prepare because we’re just so worried about this worst case scenario.
Next week I’ll talk about how to challenge our assumptions about ourselves in hard conversations (like that I’ll get fired).
But today, here’s some things you might find helpful in terms of how you manage your assumptions about other people in hard conversations.
First: Do a gut check
As soon as you start assuming that the other person is going to do this or that. Or they’re behaving this way because of some reason, ask yourself:
Is this true?
Is this accurate?
It’s got to be a real gut check moment for you because you have to be really clear – Is this actually happening, or am I just imagining it?
If you believe that is true and you know for sure that this is happening because of this other reason then go to:
Second: Get evidence
You gotta figure out:
What evidence do I have for that?
How do I know that this is the case?
You might very well be right, but if you reflect on it further and you realize you don’t have any evidence or proof of that, then, you should start thinking: “what if that’s not the case? What other possible explanations could there be?”
Third: Brainstorm
What other possible reasons could be causing this now?
This one actually takes a lot of effort to get used to because at first, you can only speak from your own experience, your own frame of reference. But, as you gain more experience and hear about other people’s situations, you grow in empathy
As you start doing that, it becomes easier for you to start realizing there’s lots of other reasons why somebody’s behaving this way or why somebody is doing something in a particular way.
If somebody is late to work and your only reference is you’ve always worked hard and there’s never any excuses – you’re gonna think that somebody is just lazy. If you’ve gained more life experiences such as, having kids or you start driving in an area that has lots of construction, or you start having more car issues, then through your experiences, you actually expand your mindset because now you see other possibilities that cause people to be late.
Truthfully, that’s why it’s so important for you to listen to other people’s stories, when they’re sharing about their life experiences. It’s about growing in empathy.
The more you can do that, the more you can start coming up with alternative reasons.
And this isn’t so that you give the person a free ride or let them off the hook, especially if it’s something super important or vital.
The more you can think of possible reasons why – the softer your temperament gets so that you move from being angry/annoyed to being more open and adaptable.
Next week, I’ll talk through how to reframe our assumptions about ourselves.
Cheers,
Chris
PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:
- Free Strategy Assessment >> If you’re a nonprofit leader, take a free, 5-minute quiz to evaluate your nonprofit’s strategy implementation plan
- 1-hour Effective Performance Coaching Course >> If you’re a manager looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, take this free 1 hour course to boost up your coaching ability
- Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, Available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube
