A leader recently shared about a struggle with an employee.

This leader needed to give this employee feedback about missing deadlines and poor quality of work.  And this went about as well as you could expect.  As soon as the leader delivered the feedback:

• The employee began yelling and felt they were being singled out/picked on
• They yelled that it was unfair
• They argued that everybody else on the team was also underperforming
• They questioned whether this leader was qualified to manage the team
• Told this leader they were stressing him out

Now, in your head – how old do you think this employee is?

It’d be reasonable to think this employee is part of the Gen Z crowd.  That’s all we hear about in the news these days about Gen Z and their “troubles” in acclimating to the work culture.

Problem is – the employee in question is in his 50’s.  

My point is this, it’s easy to point out and lay most of the blame at the young generation.  

The reality is that this kind of behavior has been around for much longer.  And we need to all start letting go of our biases and prejudices, because people of all ages can easily push back and get defensive when faced with hard feedback.

So what can you do when you’re faced with an employee that gets defensive?

1. Take a deep breath and QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally)

First, take a deep breath – don’t react.

Remember that this kind of outburst is the fight, flight, or freeze response in action.  They’re not acting rationally and you can’t take it personally, no matter what they say in the moment.

2. Respond calmly

Let them vent (say what they need to say) and you can either:

Reflect – Acknowledge their emotions and let them reflect on it.  

“You’re angry about this”

Ask Questions – Get curious and ask questions to understand what’s behind the anger.

“What’s causing this anger?”

Be silent – Just say nothing and let the silence sit in the air.  They’ll eventually slow down.

Remind of ground rules – If you have an explicit culture of respectful language and behavior, remind them of that.

“I know you’re upset and I’m happy to talk through the situation with you, I just want to remind you that we don’t allow personal attacks or name calling here.”

Take a break – If it’s too much and you can’t think straight, you can always suggest taking a break and coming back later.

Overall, the goal is this – if emotions have taken over, you want to do your best to respond to them and help the other person get back to baseline and where they can think logically.  

Does it take more time?  Yes

Is it more effective than arguing or ignoring the problem?  Absolutely.

Tried this and still getting stuck?  Reply back and let me know, let me learn more and help you talk through your problem.

Cheers,

Chris

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PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:

1. Let’s connect >>  If you’re struggling with difficult conversations and relationships, let’s find time to connect.  I’d love to see how I might be able to support you.
2. Communication and Leadership Courses >> If you’re a manager/leader looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, or you struggle with difficult conversations, take a look at a few resources I have to support you to balance empathy and assertiveness and give feedback that gets results.
3. Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube