Andrew (name changed) is a senior director at a large government agency.  

Last week, we were just talking about his ongoing struggles with getting information from another unrelated department for an important biweekly report.  

We were talking about it because last week, he got angry and frustrated with their lack of willingness to help – and it showed.  

He didn’t swear, but he was yelling and implying they were being lazy..

Here’s the hard part: he said all the “right things”.

Over the past few months, he kept:

• Asking questions about how he could help
• Tried to find collaborative solutions
• Tried to compromise on timelines and data

But they still didn’t care enough about his priority to get this report in.  

They knew that it was important to him, and he recognized that they also had lots of urgent tasks to complete.

No matter what he said, it wasn’t working.

And now that he was getting more visibly angry, they were becoming increasingly uncooperative and angry themselves.

Because the frustration and anger you feel doesn’t just affect you, it affects the people we’re talking with.

What’s the cost of your frustration/anger?

The reality is you’re mainly thinking “why can’t the other person/department just do their job”?

Here’s what you’re missing – It changes everyone’s perceptions of you:

• Your credibility takes a hit, even if the request is reasonable
• Other teams get more defensive, slower, or generally less collaborative
• Future requests require more effort, more follow-ups, and more escalation
• And over time, leaders stop volunteering help—because they don’t want the interaction

And if you’re a woman or person of color? 

You get labeled as “difficult” or “high-maintenance” instead of “effective”.

Managing your emotions isn’t about staying calm for the sake of staying calm, it’s about maintaining your credibility and your ability to get things done.

How can we manage our emotions in difficult conversations?

There’s lots of things we can do to better manager our emotions in difficult conversations.

Before the conversation:

Practice!

Not many people are born ready to have hard conversations.  And it’s not enough to just think about what you’ll say.

Our brains process information differently when we say something aloud vs. when we just think about it – so find someone comfortable to practice with.  

Start with no resistance and then slowly have them add in how you think the other party will respond or try to throw you off.  

Identify triggers/coping skills

Figure out what it is that makes you feel pressured – is it when you feel urgency due to a deadline?  When you feel stuck?  When people aren’t cooperative?  

Do some self-reflection and find coping skills that you can practice before hand and things you can do in the moment.

I also wrote another post about how to identify your triggers

Reframe your mindset

Part of figuring out your triggers is figuring out why you view the situations the way you do.  

The more you can reframe and focus on collaboration as opposed to the conflict, the more confident/comfortable you’ll feel going into it.

Example: “The other person isn’t the problem, the problem is the problem.”

During the Conversation

Grounding skills

Bring in specific skills that can help bring you out of the emotions and back into the present. 

Things like a calming rock, or mindfulness skills can often get you out of your head and back into the present.

Deep Breaths

I love using deep breaths to bring me back down.  It’s a type of grounding skill that keeps me focused and can help slow down the conversation.

Overall, it’s a great way to slow down the conversation before it becomes a shouting match.

I also wrote this post about how to master your emotions.

Take a break

One of the best things you can do, if you don’t feel you have the capacity to manage all this, is just suggest taking a break and coming back to it.  Not many things have to be solved in the moment.  

Andrew took this discussion to heart, especially when I mentioned that he did the same things months ago – showing his frustration to a colleague when he was getting angry at her.  

He realized he needed to let go of some of the expectations he was holding for himself, but we also talked through some strategies of influence.  

Emotions are powerful, and we can’t ignore them because they shape how we interact with the world and how we are perceived. 

What’s your go-to method to manage your emotions in difficult conversations?

Cheers,

Chris

PS – I’m about to make an announcement next week about my business, can you guess what it is?