How stressful is it to give feedback up?  

Matter of fact, how difficult is it for you to give feedback to someone who’s been your mentor and you deeply respect?

Before I got into Learning and Development, I spent many years as a therapist in a residential treatment center.  

These were formative years in my professional career, all under a supervisor who I deeply respected and a real mentor to me because she was a bona fide expert in the field of complex/developmental trauma.

She made me into the professional that I am today.

Which is why it was so gut-wrenching for me to be in the position to have to give her critical feedback.

To give or not to give the feedback?

Years later, in that training manager role, we were co-facilitating a 2-day training that I had designed and facilitated for years.  

It had evolved from a simple training that ticked the boxes into an experiential experience that helped young professionals gain the skills to treat trauma.

Naturally, I felt a bit of ownership over MY training – but more than that, I had curated a very specific experience that was meant to be active, not just a lecture from the facilitators.

When she volunteered to help me co-facilitate, I was excited – these participants were going to get the same education and wisdom that was so formative to me.

So you can imagine my surprise when she spent much of the first day just lecturing and sharing stories, not sticking to the timing and activities I had planned.

Here’s my dilemma – do I let her continue and:

• Give participants the same access to knowledge I had?
• Bore the participants with straight lecture (I noticed they were already starting to get bored)
• Get off track with timing and have to cut other things short later on?

Or do I give her the feedback and potentially hurt her feelings or damage our relationship?

I suspect you often find yourself in the same position

But, the difficulty isn’t just the feedback itself.

It’s the power dynamic.

For me, I wasn’t just offering input – I was crossing an invisible line. 

She had more experience, more authority, and had once been my supervisor. In moments like that, feedback isn’t neutral. 

It’s a challenge to status, competence, and identity.

This is what people really mean when they talk about “managing up.”

You’re not just navigating communication – you’re navigating power.

What did I choose?

By the end of that first day, I made my choice.

I had to give her some critical feedback about her style and get us back on track so the participants would leave with the required skills to be successful in their work.

And so during a break towards the end of the day, I took her aside and gave her the feedback.

How did she take it?  

I’ll tell you at the end, but first, let me share a formula of how I gave that feedback.

How to give feedback

Maybe just fortunate timing, but I had recently gone through a coaching for performance training that went through how to give effective feedback.

They gave us a formula that I actually still use and teach today:

1. State what happened
2. State the outcome/result of that behavior
3. Tell them what you want them to do going forward

I can’t remember all the specifics, but I know I said most of this:

“Laura (name changed), in that training, you’re sharing a lot of stories and information, which I know is helpful.  But because of all the time you’re spending on that, we’re not able to get to the activities and we’re now behind on timing, so we’ll have to cut something out later.  For the rest of the training, can you please stick to the talking points and timing that we laid out in the facilitator manual?”

All in all, a straightforward and (I still think) concrete feedback with very clear next steps on what to do.  

At that moment, she just looked at me and said “ok” and the rest of the training went fine, we were able to make up time and she reined in all her stories.  

Overall, we got good ratings for that training.

How did she ACTUALLY respond to the feedback?

If I end the story there, it sounds like a great outcome for everyone, but I don’t want to mislead you.

When the training was over and everyone had left, she was very clear to me:

She was offended that I gave her that feedback and she thought she was doing just fine.  

Because we had a good relationship, it didn’t devolve in arguing or anything, we just talked it out about my perspective and her perspective.

But it was the worst outcome, I had hurt the feelings of someone I really respected and cared about.  

I felt awful.

After our conversation, she understood where I was coming from and could see how she needed to update her teaching/training style.  

At the same time, I recognized where I could have done a better job preparing her and giving her the feedback.

Unfortunately, we never spoke again and I’ve tried to reach out a few times over the years to just catch up, only to be met with silence.  

I don’t know if it’s because of this interaction, but I can’t help but wonder if this contributed to it.

What could I have done differently?

In the years since, I’ve reflected on what I could have done differently.  

It was encouraging to me that my boss had overheard my giving this feedback and thought I was very professional and empathic about it.

But looking back, one thing I would have done differently – it’s a better way to frame feedback when power is involved:

1. State what happened
2. State the outcome/result of that behavior
3. Dialogue about their observations/reflections
4. Collaborate on what the concrete next steps should be

I would have added some time for dialogue and conversation, so it wasn’t just a one-way flow of information.

I’ve since learned that the original 3-step formula is best used in quick situations where you just need to give information.

But when you’re giving feedback up?  

People don’t just hear what you say – they interpret what it implies about their authority.

That’s why “feedback up” needs to feel less like direction and more like joint problem-solving.

And I would have followed up a week or two later to see how she was processing that feedback instead of letting it linger.

I wish I had a happy ending to share about the importance of managing up.

I do think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes, losing a relationship might be the outcome, but that’s part of the mental math you have to calculate.

Because navigating power always has a cost, whether it’s:

• Emotional discomfort
• Slower or broken trust
• Lingering resentment
• Relationship loss

I’ll say this – I have never regretted saying something to her, because at that moment, the needs of the people in that training were more important than my own comfort.

How do you decide when it’s time to give feedback up?