I’ve been asked this multiple times recently:

What happens if I’m doing everything right (scripts, practice, curiosity, asking questions) and the other person is still (disrespecting me, yelling at me, demeaning me, refusing to talk/compromise)?

Essentially, what if nothing is working and the other person keeps coming at me and isn’t calming down/being reasonable?

Here’s 3 ways to think about it:

1. In my experience, those situations mean that the other person isn’t in a place to have the conversation yet. They started off in the fight/flight/freeze response and that whole conversation may just be about ground rules and setting the stage for future conversation.  It’s time consuming, but the other person isn’t reacting/responding rationally at the moment. The part of their brain responsible for rational thinking is literally not active.  I’ve seen many relationships turn around by slowing down and going through the basics of communication together.

2. Sometimes, it means taking a break and using a mediator or neutral 3rd party. There can be a lot of power in having a skilled neutral party keep things calm, focused, and help each side feel heard. This works a great deal of the time.

3. Sometimes, you can do everything right and things still don’t work out.. At the end of the day, we can only control ourselves and things not working out doesn’t mean we didn’t do the right thing, some situations just can’t be changed. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but failure doesn’t mean we messed up.

As someone posted on my one of my posts last week – “communication can solve *almost* any problem”.  

As long as you’ve tried all the right steps and done the best you can, rest easy knowing there’s nothing else that could work.

Any other techniques that work for you? Reply back and let me know!

Cheers,

Chris

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PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have 3 ways to help you:

1. If you’re struggling with difficult conversations >> I’m running a 5-day live class in November to give you the skills and confidence to navigate these hard conversations.  Using my TRUST framework, you’ll have a plan and a script for difficult times.  Learn more at the link and join the waitlist!
2. Communication and Leadership Courses >> If you’re a manager/leader looking for strategies to be better at coaching your employees, or you struggle with difficult conversations, take a look at a few resources I have to support you to balance empathy and assertiveness and give feedback that gets results.
3. Podcast: The Art and Science of Difficult Conversations. >> If you’re interested in more ways to manage difficult conversations, I also have a podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts and on YouTube